Hey Folks,

Rob Ford, your new mayor of Toronto, here.

I’m just sitting in the basement of my Etobicoke mansion, planning for the day I take office as your new mayor. I’ve slathered a generous amount of Vaseline on my legs as a result of a rash I received in the last few days. Its unfortunate because the Vaseline sticks to the fabric of my pants as I walk or even sit down. As soon as I get home, I end up taking off all my clothes to air out my skin and provide for some relief for the intense itching as a result of the rash.

I don’t really know how I got the rash. The only thing I’ve done as far as my lower body goes is coat my groin area with a combination of bacon grease and peanut butter. I like to lie down in my backyard after everyone goes to bed and wait for whatever critters or furry friends, attracted by the scent, approach my groin / legs for a quick lick.

The abrasive cat-like tongue that raccoons, squirrels and other creatures have stimulates my skin and provides some excitement. Once in a while one of the animals will nip or nibble my skin, most likely with the presumption that the rest of my body (underneath my skin) contains even more peanut butter or bacon grease. Obviously this isn’t true!

After my body has been licked up , I run downstairs (careful not to wake my family) to take a quick shower in our spare bathroom.

I spend the rest of my night watching TV and methodically remembering each lick; the the coarse tongues quickly and cautiously scraping all the juices off my lower body.

Thanks for listening