Human excretions creating warmth for my inner thighs

Hey guys!

Hey folks,

Your friend and new mayor of toronto, Rob Ford, here. I’ve been ridiculously busy as you can expect.

I haven’t even had much time to post in my blog to connect with my fans / voters! How have you all been? I’ve been great.

I’ve had some great first experiences so far since becoming mayor this week. I’ll share that with you later.

I’ve been applying several creams to my balls / anus recently because of all the chafing as a result of standing for longer-than-normal periods of time in city hall. There are a lot of formalities, unbeknown to me, with becoming mayor of Toronto.

Stay tuned for more updates , Toronto!


Chub Toad

Greetings friends,

I’ve recently developed a wonderful method for dealing with my large, blood red and slightly pussy stretch marks, that I wanted to share with the world. I’m assuming that my diet of chicken wings and beer may be contributing to my bloated/muscular chub toad physique. This new method mitigates the only drawback to this physique and the lifestyle that I share with the kings of this universe.

I start first thing in the morning by taking off my shirt and pants. I keep my underwear on to contain any shit that may dribble out due to the fact that I’m standing up. Also, at this point my underwear has already been pre-cut to expose my genitals in a pleasing manner so there is no need to remove them. Next, I apply a generous amount of rocky road ice cream to my stretch marks and genitals. Rubbing it in for at least 20 minutes.

The chunks in the ice cream act as a great exfoliant for both the stretch marks and the large pimples that tend to form around the base of my penis and the cold provides a sensation that makes all the hairs across my giant belly stand on end.

The feeling is magnificent.

I then add a coat of baby oil to seal in the first layer. The key to this method is constant air flow to the stretch marked areas. I spent most of the last couple half days at the office cutting holes in the sides of my shirts, suits, and crotches of my pants. You don’t necessarily need to keep your crotch exposed but I find it adds a nice symmetry to the ensemble.

I then like to go out on my evening patrol of the neighborhood, wearing the modified clothing. The breeze through the holes in the clothes feels fantastic and I get a great sense of pride, knowing that I’m keeping the area’s children safe at night.

Take care.


Greasebag chicken, baked potatoes and some jello

Greetings Friends,

Your friend and future mayor here. I’m just sitting at home drinking a tall can of shitty beer, sitting in my computer chair as my helper is cooking my dinner for me. What a rainy day! So miserable outside isn’t it?

I used to spend a lot of time underneath a particular bridge, right on the border of Etobicoke and Toronto. The Old Mill bridge, which crosses the Humber River, consists of two bridges: one to carry TTC trains on the Bloor/Danforth line, and one for cars on Bloor Street West.

I used to spend a considerable amount of my time either in parked cars in the parking lot below these bridges, or sitting on various rocks or tree stumps along the Humber River.

So many things used to bring me closer to what I call “Absolute Reality”; The realization of what is true and real in the world, moving beyond the misconceptions, perceptions, manipulations and other misleading factors that one is constantly being bombarded with, with ease and gravitas.

It is this Absolute Reality and the perception of what is real and what is not that is the foundation for all my forward thinking ideas. I bring this concept with me from my younger days sitting underneath the Old Mill bridge, by myself along the river or with a “date” in a parked car.

It is the feeling of pursuing something beyond my reach that brought me to experiment with ways that I could jump start this reality based binge. I was about 24 when I first tried crack cocaine. The rush and energy that it gave me after my first inhale was something that I will never forget. It was the most amazing feeling that I have ever experienced.

In those 20 minutes after taking that hit, rationalizations and logic became crystal clear. The sky was open and unobstructed. Shortly after that initial rush, however, everything came crashing down with a severe case of diarrhea, or the “crack shits” as I used to call them.

I would often return to this area to revisit and experience the pure rush of power and energy that crack would bring me. It wasn’t until much later in my life that I realized I was taking a shortcut.

If you follow one of the paths along the Humber River, you can still see my impromptu diarrhea hole; Overlooking the beautiful river. A gem hidden within a concrete jungle.

Thanks for listening


Securing Etobicoke’s Don Bosco highschool

Hey folks,

I’m sick today. I called my office at city hall to let them know I wont be able to make it in. I’m sure the people of Toronto understand that even I get sick sometimes. Especially with how many people I am interacting with on a daily basis, its a surprise this doesn’t happen more often.

Most people don’t realize that I have more than one job, aside from working for the great city of Toronto. One of my most important responsibilities involves an Etobicoke catholic high school, Don Bosco Catholic Secondary School :

It is my responsibility to ensure the safety of our young people in this high school. I make it a nightly routine to complete my tasks.

I usually arrive at the school at around 12:30am or 1:00am most nights. I start by walking around the school perimeter, checking all the doors and windows to see if any have been left open. Usually one window or door has been left unsecured. Lately it has been the bathroom window in the North East corner of the school building.

After verifying that a window has been left open (sometimes even a door), I usually slip inside the school. Since there is no on-duty night security personnel, this usually is an easy process.

Once inside the school I usually feel an excited jolt of energy throughout my body. This is one of the reasons why I do this — I need to keep my energy levels high as well as satisfy the security needs of the school to ensure everything is verified and checked by me.

I like to slowly walk throughout the school, touching and smelling various items (cafeteria seats, classroom chairs, fountains, lockers) to ensure no outside sources have corrupted the environment. I pass through the school with my arms and hands open and extended — I need to touch everything and ensure everyone is safe.

Through my fingertips gracefully touching every item and my nose smelling the multitude of scents throughout the school, I am able to accomplish this. By the time I’m done my legs are usually shaking with excitement and my stomach is as light as a feather.

This is something that, even if I’m sick, I still have to do. It’s my responsibility.

Thanks for listening