Sweets

Chocolate chips and marshmellow / cool whip

August 13, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

My campaign to become mayor of Toronto has become more and more heated and dramatic as the days have progressed this week.

I’ve been turning down interviews with the Toronto Star, Toronto Sun and many other major publications regarding the Illuminati based conspiracy and other conspiracies related to derailing my attempts to gain mayoral status in this great land of Toronto.

I’ve been dipping my clammy fingers in this container of cool whip (the pre-made whip cream that you can spread on many items and body parts) and sucking on my fingers most of the afternoon today.

I like to keep my hands unwashed so that all the food and jams and sugary treats that I eat throughout the day get caught under my fingernails and essentially stuck all over my fingers. I like to keep my fingers feeling layered with sticky sugar.

This is usually to allow my fingers more potential for friction and roughness when making contact with different parts of my body.

Thanks for listening!

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Posted in Illuminati, Rubbing food all over my body, Sweets | No Comments »

Thank god its Friday

July 23, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

I just got home from the office (I usually leave at 1pm on Fridays) and let me tell you it was certainly an exciting week for me!

Has anyone ever glued their fingers together as a result of pure boredom? I was in a car, going between my council office and my Lawrence ave. “satellite” election office and I had a stick of glue in my pocket. I gently brushed it across several of my fingers and then pressed each finger down my chubby thigh, one after the other.

After each subsequent finger was pressed against my hairy leg, the previous one became stuck to my leg. After all fingers became stuck, I smiled at myself for completing the task I set out to accomplish.

With my free hand, I slipped it inside my lunch bag and pulled out one of my favorite treats, an “Eat More” chocolate + nut bar. I unwrapped the bar with one hand (I have lots of practice) and started my Eat More ritual. This usually takes about 10 minutes to complete and I will detail the entire process here.

First I like to put my mouth over the first bite of the Eat More bar and just really get a good amount of slobber going to soften and moisten the initial bite of Eat more. This is usually because sometimes, if stored at the incorrect temperature, the bar itself can get quite hard and can increase the risk of damaging your teeth in that first bite.

After the first bite of the bar has gotten moist enough, I take the Eat More out of my mouth and drag it slowly across my inner thigh (remember my fingers on my right hand are still stuck to my right thigh). So I take the Eat More bar and drag it slowly (while its still wet with my saliva) across my inner thigh until the moisture has been drained off of it. You know when this step is complete when the inner thigh glistens with moisture and chocolate.

After this step is complete , take the rest of the Eat More bar out of the packaging. After it has been removed, take the entire bar and slowly run it from end to end across the bottom of your nose while taking in all that which is the entire scent of the Eat More bar.

Go back and forth across your nose, taking deep breaths through your nose, with the Eat More bar.

After this step is complete, you may now begin eating the Eat More bar.

Take care and have a great weekend,

Blob

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Posted in Rubbing food all over my body, Sweets | 5 Comments »

Abolish municipal democracy / Bacon fat is the new cooking oil

July 21, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hello Friends,

This place has gone to shit. Every time I look at the human garbage that makes up this city, I vomit a little in my mouth. I can see the pain and anguish surrounding me in council chambers and with the city in general. Everywhere I look. Its been three years since I started my mission to become mayor of Toronto. All these years leading up to this; taking out the fucking (human) trash. Its all gone to shit, if you ask me.

The only thing that really saves my sanity and keeps me going, in this struggle that is my campaign to become mayor of Toronto, is several jelly filled doughnuts a day. One in the morning and two in the afternoon, close to 3:30pm when I usually leave for home.

The gentle, battered doughnut usually sits in my hand while I stare at it for several minutes before gobbling it down. Its crusty exterior provides for a nice surprise when penetrated and the warm blueberry or strawberry jelly oozes out into my salivating mouth. I usually cant contain the entire thing in my mouth during this process and some spills out onto my chin and sometimes my dress shirt.

My assistant usually helps clean my face up, among doing other things.

Thanks,

B.

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Posted in Saving Money, Sweets, Taking out the human trash | 8 Comments »

Cookies n’ cream + jelly doughnuts : is it worth it?

July 16, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Toronto!

Your old pal here. I was just sitting in my office, brainstorming with my administrative staff and we were toying with the idea of combining cookies and cream ice cream with jelly doughnuts (mixing it in a blender even).

I think this would be a fantastic daily treat — something that would invigorate and energize my body / mind / soul!

What do you think? I think I’ll try it when I get home tonight.

Blob

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