Outdoor Masturbation

Just getting ready to be the new mayor of Toronto on my end

November 2, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

Rob Ford, your new mayor of Toronto, here.

I’m just sitting in the basement of my Etobicoke mansion, planning for the day I take office as your new mayor. I’ve slathered a generous amount of Vaseline on my legs as a result of a rash I received in the last few days. Its unfortunate because the Vaseline sticks to the fabric of my pants as I walk or even sit down. As soon as I get home, I end up taking off all my clothes to air out my skin and provide for some relief for the intense itching as a result of the rash.

I don’t really know how I got the rash. The only thing I’ve done as far as my lower body goes is coat my groin area with a combination of bacon grease and peanut butter. I like to lie down in my backyard after everyone goes to bed and wait for whatever critters or furry friends, attracted by the scent, approach my groin / legs for a quick lick.

The abrasive cat-like tongue that raccoons, squirrels and other creatures have stimulates my skin and provides some excitement. Once in a while one of the animals will nip or nibble my skin, most likely with the presumption that the rest of my body (underneath my skin) contains even more peanut butter or bacon grease. Obviously this isn’t true!

After my body has been licked up , I run downstairs (careful not to wake my family) to take a quick shower in our spare bathroom.

I spend the rest of my night watching TV and methodically remembering each lick; the the coarse tongues quickly and cautiously scraping all the juices off my lower body.

Thanks for listening

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Posted in Cleaning my filthy body, Getting a chubby, Getting animals to lick my balls, Medical Conditions, Outdoor Masturbation, Rubbing food all over my body | 1 Comment »

Winter is coming / Applying pressure to my anus

October 13, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey friends!

I know its been a while since I made an update here — I thought I’d write a quick one.

I’ve been fairly busy lately, as we are now in the final stretch of the Toronto Mayoral Election. I’ve also been careful not to neglect my nightly duties of securing Don Bosco High school.

I’m somewhat sad that the weather has changed so drastically. I already miss my weekly BBQ’s, sitting outside in my lawn chairs while slathering ice cold frozen meats on my chest to defrost them before putting them on my expensive Weber BBQ.

Although the view of my huge backyard from my Etobicoke mansion is pleasing to the eye with the fall colors and whatnot, I still feel like something is missing.

At this time of the year I am preparing for our long Canadian winters — my body would need intense preparation and conditioning for the months and months of sitting inside my mansion, usually stuck with my ex-wife. Now its spent alone, with all of my toys, creams, spices and oils.

Out in my backyard, there is a large rock about waist high. During the fall season I usually can be found sitting on that rock for hours on end — preparing my body and mind for the solitude and depressing days ahead.

On this rock, where I usually sit, there is a round cylindrical shaped formation that sticks upward. This is where I usually sit. This is the most comfortable spot in my entire property. I sit with all my weight on the cylindrical shaped rock formation and fully press my anus onto it.

I prefer to wear jogging pants during this time, as the fabric seems to work with the rock and my anus best; I can apply more pressure and control to my body against the rock’s surface.

Sometimes I tuck my penis under my legs and sit down on the rock, pressing my full weight on my testicles and my penis against the rock. This helps me to think and puts the coming months into perspective.

Thanks for listening.

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Posted in Applying pressure to a sharp rock against my anus, Blue collar life, My bitch wife, Outdoor Masturbation, Quick updates | 2 Comments »

Drawing blood from my genitals — cant feel a thing

September 21, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

Just sitting in my enormous Etobicoke backyard, enjoying a beautiful sunny Tuesday afternoon with some ice cold beers and some grilled meats.

I’ve noticed an increased population of insects over the past few weeks, in my backyard and throughout Toronto (on the streets or in green areas).

The attention received by the bugs around me is increases tenfold after melting a few sausages all over my chest in order to defrost them before actually grilling them on my Weber BBQ.

This reminded me of something I used to do when I first moved into my Etobicoke mansion years ago. I used to sneak out of the house late at night, being careful not to wake my kids or my then-wife. Once outside, I would tip toe around the edge of the house, to the backyard where there was a ravine. The mosquito’s near the water were particularly bad, especially in the middle of the summer.

Once at the ravine, I would remove my pants and underwear and slather a thick layer of honey all the way up my legs from my ankles to my waist, careful not to miss any spots.

Standing over the small ravine in my backyard, I would wait patiently for the mosquitos and other bugs to become stimulated by the sweet scent that the honey provides. After about 15-20 minutes my entire lower section would be covered by hungry bugs (mostly mosquito’s).

The excitement of this type of attention would cause me to breathe very heavily and deeply out of my mouth, occasionally letting out deep moans and gasps as the weight and tingly feeling the bugs caused would arouse me immensely.

After I was done, I usually would bathe in the ravine itself (convenient!), sitting near a bubbling brook with my legs open as the ice cold runoff water would clean my lower body and cool my hot skin.

Thanks for listening.

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Posted in Cleaning my filthy body, Getting a chubby, Outdoor Masturbation, Putting bugs on my dick, Rubbing food all over my body | 2 Comments »

Burgers and hotdogs on the same bun?

September 21, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Toronto,

Just mulling over whether I should come in to work at all today, on (likely) one of the last nice days of the year; Its going to be a beautiful day today.

I have a stash of frozen Lick’s burgers as well as some nice President’s Choice sausages in my basement freezer in my Etobicoke Home.

It’s settled. I will send a message to my administrative staff that I won’t be coming in today. I have enough beer and meat to enjoy a great home BBQ on this fine day.

In case any of you are wondering, my medical condition appears to have subsided; The burning sensation in my penis as well as the appearance of blood in my urine has ceased as of this morning.

One of the things that I have been doing, that I think has contributed greatly to my improved health, is regular anal cleansing , followed by the storage of any cylindrical shaped foods inside my anus for the better part of the day.

This can be accomplished with sausages, hot dogs, cucumbers, carrots, beets or eggplants. What this does is secret the vitamins and other fiber based elements into the walls of my anus while the food is stored inside my anus. The food ultimately dissolves after 12 or more hours of consistent storage and all the nutrients are absorbed into my body during this process.

The other thing I am looking forward to is manually defrosting my sausages in my hands during the day. I love the feeling of cold / frozen meat on my skin. I usually clamp down on the frozen sausage for the first 15-20 minutes, or until my hand is quite numb. Then I usually move outside into my lawn chair and either shove the sausage under my arm or just lay it flat on my belly. Sleeping in the warm sun (especially today) while a freezing cold sausage is slowly melting on my body is an invigorating experience.

Usually after a few hours of doing this , the meat is ready to be thrown onto the BBQ!

Thanks for listening.

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Posted in BBQ, Blue collar life, Medical Conditions, Outdoor Masturbation, Rubbing food all over my body | No Comments »

Soft earth on my naked skin

September 4, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey guys,

Well September is here now. In Etobicoke, where everything is slightly colder, I am noticing that the leaves are already changing colors. Sometimes I like to walk down through the side streets along Islington Avenue and ultimately pass through the Humber River. The sound of the gushing river brings a sense of calm to myself, especially during these trying times. The Illuminati conspiracy as well as the mayoral election are taking its toll on these old bones.

Sometimes I like to walk down the path, along the river, and find a secluded spot in an area where there is thick brush. At this time of year its quite cold so I usually rub a thin layer of Vaseline over the eventual exposed areas of my skin to protect it from the cold fall wind. In my spot , I usually remove my pants and underwear and lie spread eagle on the bare ground. Connecting my skin with the fundamental natural earth brings a true sense of energy that vibrates throughout my body.

Most times I stay on my back, with the cold dirt rubbing against that area of my body. Sometimes I like to turn over on my front and squish my frontal areas into the somewhat hard earth. Sometimes I can be heard moaning softly as I conduct my naturalistic relaxation techniques.

I am usually quite energized by the next day; At around 11:30am when I get to the office, I am ready to tackle the half days of work with vigor and virility.

Take care.

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Posted in Getting a chubby, Illuminati, Outdoor Masturbation, Rage Boners | No Comments »
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