Abolish municipal democracy / Bacon fat is the new cooking oil

Hello Friends,

This place has gone to shit. Every time I look at the human garbage that makes up this city, I vomit a little in my mouth. I can see the pain and anguish surrounding me in council chambers and with the city in general. Everywhere I look. Its been three years since I started my mission to become mayor of Toronto. All these years leading up to this; taking out the fucking (human) trash. Its all gone to shit, if you ask me.

The only thing that really saves my sanity and keeps me going, in this struggle that is my campaign to become mayor of Toronto, is several jelly filled doughnuts a day. One in the morning and two in the afternoon, close to 3:30pm when I usually leave for home.

The gentle, battered doughnut usually sits in my hand while I stare at it for several minutes before gobbling it down. Its crusty exterior provides for a nice surprise when penetrated and the warm blueberry or strawberry jelly oozes out into my salivating mouth. I usually cant contain the entire thing in my mouth during this process and some spills out onto my chin and sometimes my dress shirt.

My assistant usually helps clean my face up, among doing other things.

Thanks,

B.

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8 Responses to “Abolish municipal democracy / Bacon fat is the new cooking oil”

  • Gordo:

    It sounds like this daily ritual is an effective relaxation technique for you. Will you suggest this same method to your remaining council members if you’re elected Mayor?

    • Blob Ford:

      I always usually tell my friends and coworkers about this method — the jelly squishing through my fingers as i grasp the doughnut is the best damn feeling in the whole goddamn world

  • Renata Ford:

    Rob! You are such a fat slob!

    You agreed with me, you know, the time I forced you to promise that you would not let other people know, the big family secret! You said you promised, no more binge eating?

    Now you learned how to use a computer and have a blog I see?

    Suddenly you are writing about you’re eating exploits! I have told you repeatedly that you’re stuffing your face day and night, is going to require a Jerry Springer crane to pick you up for work!

    You think the van with “Rob Ford” on it has a big footprint ? Wait till you see the carbon footprint of transporting you around if you became Mayor.

    Do you realize that I go through the whole day, vomiting into portable buckets, when I am next to you and your massive piles of food!

    How many McDonalds, Tim Horton, Super Size Burger King Combo’s can ONE PERSON, YOU….EAT????

    I’m sick again now! *Mopping up mess*

    Rob, you promised not to become a big pig, that eats anything and everything put before them! WHY ROB ….Must you be do dangerously obese? It’s your heart, you know, that black thing, well, it’s gonna give up soon, with the massive assault on it, that is you having a snack!

    *heart-attack waiting to happen*

    You need to tell your 3 friends, your “buddies” who are voting for you, that they still have to meet ME! I’m telling you Robbie, you better!

    • Blob Ford:

      How dare you sit on your high horse and look down upon me (the regular folk) and criticize my eating habits?

      What sort of special entitlement do you have that gives you the right to go into such grave detail regarding what I eat or what other objects and various rubber based cylindrical devices i insert into my body?

      I think we’re off on the rob foot here, renata

  • Renata Being SEX-E Ford:

    MMM, all the things u stick in ur orifices – You know how to PRESS my buttons, don’t ya Robbie!

    I’ll take u back!

  • Torontonian:

    Never underestimate the power of jambusters.

    • Blob Ford:

      You said it!

      I just giggle like a kid when the jam explodes out of the doughnut all over my face after taking a bite.

      My whole body shivers and I get tingles in my groin area throughout the process of eating a jelly doughnut.

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