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Folks..

Im sick to death of everyone’s relentless focus on my actions and my drug use.

I have placed two teaspoons of olive oil on my testicles. I then pushed the oil around my balls until the entire area is slimey enough.

After that i pepper some ground sea salt over the base of my balls. I like how the coarse grinds rub against my skin.

Usually during this time I tend to drift in and out of consciousness until my my mind sharpens and I can grasp my testicles fully while my power generates.

Its still generating, folks

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Listen folks

Listen folks,

Im taking a breather. You know it and I know it.

I partied hard in the last while. I felt so much power surge through my body.

I can feel my pulse reverberate through my loins.

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Evans 15 bus

FOlks,

I’ve been walking for quite some time on the evans 15 bus route that originates form kipling station.

I’ve been walking by so many dark warehouses , dark office spaces, dark strip malls and dark Swiss Chalet’s.

I sense some negative energy brewing within this route. I have a bad feeling about what is about to happen.

Please stay tuned.

Your pal,

Rob

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You haven’t seen the last of me!

Listen folks.

I have built a great and wonderful thing here. I have overcome liberal patchouli smothered fat-cats at city hall. I was elected, democratically, to run this city and clean it up.

Boy let me tell you, it was a dirty job. I repealed the vehicle registration tax and agreed to only incrementally increase the property taxes in our great city.

From the beginning from my landslide victory until this point in time has been a great journey for me. I have traveled throughout our great city meeting all the great folks that make up Etobicoke and the surrounding strip malls throughout.

I have walked on foot and driven in my minivan to coffee times, coffee spots, country sites, tim hortons and industrial warehouses on Evans avenue to meet the voters that helped put me in office.

This “removal” from office will NOT bring me down. I will be re-elected as mayor of this great city. If I have to walk the following bus routes on FOOT to re-gain voter confidence, then so be it :

- Evans 15
- 191 Hwy 27
- Royal York 73 & 73A
- 111 East Mall
- 112 West Mall

The first thing I am going to do is walk the Evan’s 15 bus route and talk to any ordinary folks I can find and let me tell you, the folks on the ground have been and will continue to support me and my cause.

I just have a few administrative duties to complete today as a result of this removal from office and I think I should be able to get home and start my bus route walk at around 7:30pm or 8:00pm this evening. I hope to have a quick lunch and will hit the ground running. Walking and talking to people along this bus route is KEY to my re-election, folks.

As I write this I am sitting for one of the final times in my mayoral office. I decided to ask all my aides and office staff to leave me alone so I could write this post and inform the public DIRECTLY what my intentions are. The door is currently locked in my office and my belt is undone and shoes are off. I’ve been rubbing my inner thigh as it is sore from the CFL festivities last night.

Every time the Argo’s would score, my wife Renata would grab my inner thigh. Normally that’s not a problem and is usually a welcome form of intimacy I would expect from her, but she recently had her nails done and they are quite sharp.

Sometimes one of her fingers would slip closer down my inner thigh towards my groin area and my testicles. Occasionally her finger would gently pinch my right testicle and rub it gently. This would generate a slow and deep moaning sound from deep within my diaphragm. I would quickly look at Renata and she would smile and then proceed to put an ice cube on my right testical on top of my pants in my inner thigh region. I would continue to moan gently until the ice cube would completely melt.

Usually after the ice cube finishes melting, I would have a bit of a wet spot on my pants. Renata took care of this by gently dabbing and pressing a hot cloth on my right testicular area in my groin region.

I’ll probably stay here in my office for a few more hours and head out for my bus route journey. I’ll send another update shortly.

Stay tuned and stay strong folks, I’m not gone for good.

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Chocolate chips and marshmellow / cool whip

Hey Folks,

My campaign to become mayor of Toronto has become more and more heated and dramatic as the days have progressed this week.

I’ve been turning down interviews with the Toronto Star, Toronto Sun and many other major publications regarding the Illuminati based conspiracy and other conspiracies related to derailing my attempts to gain mayoral status in this great land of Toronto.

I’ve been dipping my clammy fingers in this container of cool whip (the pre-made whip cream that you can spread on many items and body parts) and sucking on my fingers most of the afternoon today.

I like to keep my hands unwashed so that all the food and jams and sugary treats that I eat throughout the day get caught under my fingernails and essentially stuck all over my fingers. I like to keep my fingers feeling layered with sticky sugar.

This is usually to allow my fingers more potential for friction and roughness when making contact with different parts of my body.

Thanks for listening!

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Various powers that be / illuminati underground power struggle

Greetings Folks,

I’m still having problems with this website. My advisers have been sensing a strong sense of power and energy coming from the sewers near my Etobicoke home. They say that I must continue on posting to my blog here, even though none of my words may be seen for some time (possibly only after I’m gone).

I’m eating a quick dinner right now as i write this; Two butter chicken roti’s (hot) and some old leftover pizza from the other night. Sometimes when my mildly demanding job requires me to stay awake for more than 8 hours a day, I like to use different methods for me to stay awake and alert.

Tonight I have been extracting the spicy curry sauce from my roti and slathering the hot sauce in my pubic area, about 1 inch above my penis. After slathering the sauce on that area, I put a few drops of curry sauce on the tip of my penis and then put my underwear back on.

This usually keeps me up for a few extra hours during those late nights where I need to be alert and awake.

Take care.

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Hey there

Hey Folks,

Looks like the powers that be have set the wheels in motion to try and shut down not only my personal blog here, but my entire mayoral campaign! Stay tuned folks!

As soon as I’m done eating my sausages for dinner I’ll make another update to provide more details.

Thanks.

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Busy this week

Hey folks,

Just a quick update. My week started off fairly normally. My slew of 1 or 2 meetings with my administrative staff, checking my voice mail and leaving for home at around 2:30pm this afternoon is usually about an average day’s activities.

It sure feel’s like a great start to a productive week. Every few minutes for every 4-6 hours must be accounted for during the mayoral race! My time is reasonably adequately moderately occupied and I usually have enough time to accomplish my daily tasks set out by my campaign manager within the first few hours of the day.

I just arrived home now, however (8:48pm) and boy am I fuming!

I was taking the Gardiner expressway westbound; I usually head north on the 427 and exit on Burnhamthorpe road before driving to my large home. This time, some bitch decided to get in an accident on the highway. Apparently she spun out during the rain storm earlier today. Her car was overturned and the firemen had successfully evacuated her to a stretcher, which is what I was able to see by the time I finally passed the wreckage.

Now most of you don’t know this about me, but I have several medical ailments that require constant attention by me every few hours. Usually this is not a problem, as long as I have the ability to privately spend a few minutes by myself while I attend to my demands. I have a condition that requires me to put a constant pressure on my testicles with my thumb and my forefinger every 2.5 – 3 hours.

This procedure is mandated by my doctor after years of tests and blood work, as a result of me living with immense pressure and pain in my testicular area for the better part of my adult life. Usually when this ailment gets bad, without attention on my part, you can hear the pain and anguish in my voice as it raises to a significantly higher pitch.

What I need to do first is remove my pants and underwear (I usually wear briefs that are a few sizes too small to keep a constant low-level pressure in my groin region) — Most days I can do this in my office at city hall. Then I take my thumb and forefinger and press gently but firmly on my testicles (one at a time) for several minutes each testicle.

This restricts the problematic blood vessels from contributing to the buildup of pressure and tension in that area.

Take care!

Your friend,

Blob

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Going for wings + beer tonight

Hey guys,

I’m in the mood for wings and beer tonight. The wife hasn’t come back from her cottage trip (even though she was supposed to be back 2 days ago), and it gets quite lonely in my Etobicoke house so I’ve decided to go out for wings and beer!

The place I plan on visiting is called Wingporium. Its on 1000 Islington Avenue, in Etobicoke. You can find it here.

Come and visit me there! I plan on getting at least 3-5 pounds of wings to start. They have a wide assortment of wings. I like this place because they usually give me Tums or Pepto Bismol upon request so I can continue eating non-stop.

See you there!

Blab

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Pastor Wendell Brereton / buttermilk pancakes with cinnamon and bananas

Hello friends,

I have decided to take the rest of the week off since my stay at Etobicoke General Hospital as a result of my intestinal blockage.

Staying at home allows me to work tirelessly on my mayoral election campaign without distraction or any outside communication. Most of my election plans and strategies are composed within several hundred notebooks that I categorically file away in a temperature controlled storage room in the basement of my Etobicoke mansion.

I write my speeches in my own way; using my specific methods and procedures to better encourage my own inspiration and creativity. I like to write on loose leaf paper that is gently placed over top of my groin region and press my pen hardly on the sheet of paper when I write — I like my writing to appear clear and bold against the white paper background. I try to carry this communication tactic into my speeches and rage debates.

I have noticed that there has been some recent controversy with respect to my latest mayoral endorsement from Pastor Wendell Brereton. I think people need to get a better understanding of where Wendell Brereton and I come from, as we do have a history together and have been friends for quite some time.

Wendell and I go back many years and I think he is a solid individual with a rock hard body. He has been working out for as long as I can remember and I can distinctly recall meeting him at his house after a strenuous jog (him , not me!) and sitting in his living room while he changes in his bedroom directly across from the living room with the door open.

His wet sweatpants peeled off of his glistening black skin as he removed all his sweat-soaked garments. I can remember squirming in my chair because the pants I was wearing didn’t have enough room for my slowly generating chubby.

He would throw his dirty clothes into a hamper and put on a pair of boxer shorts with an open hole in the crotch area and rejoin me in his living room. He explained that he needed to “air out” his skin by not getting dressed again after a long jog, which I completely understood. He also claimed that wearing boxer shorts that had a hole in the crotch area was also necessary because his genital regions needed fresh exchanges of air as well. It was not uncommon during our talks in his dark living room for his penis to flop out accidentally of his boxer shorts mid conversation. We both would have a laugh and continue whatever it was we would be talking about at the time.

I can recount many Saturday afternoons spent in his living room, joking, debating, playing games (see: choke chubby, no bullshit) and hugging; we would explore our minds together through debate as well as through our own skin. I have fond memories of this time with Pastor Wendell Brereton.

Please consider and think before judging his position on traditional marriage as well as my insight into the man behind Pastor Wendell; A man with a true sense of adventure.

Take care.

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Games I play to release stress

Hey folks,

I’m home from the hospital now. What a crazy past couple of days it’s been for me. I’ve been feeling slightly depressed now that I’ve finally come home from so much time in the dirty hospital — it’s very difficult to sleep while other junkies and hobo’s are moaning silently in their beds (some even screaming or shrieking loudly or even loud quick high pitched yelps).

On my drive home I was thinking of all the games I like to play to help me release stress, anguish and forget (even if just for a moment) my sexual tensions and constant generalized hatred.

One of those games is called “Choke chubby”. Basically it has to involve 2 other people (preferably men), to make 3 players total.

To play the game you need the following items :

- a jar of strawberry jam
- 3 tennis balls (1 for each player, 3 players minimum)
- one condom
- a salt shaker (filled with salt)

The game is best played in a secluded basement or a fenced in backyard. Each player must sit cross-legged on the floor , with each player’s knee touching the next player beside them. If its three players, you can form a small circle. The more players , the larger the circle.

The first player has to shake the salt over their penis 3 times, evenly spreading the salt. Then they must put the tennis ball on their penis and extend the condom overtop , covering their penis as well as the tennis ball.

As soon as this preparation is done, said player must look at the next player to the left and try to reach for their LEFT knee. Remember your knee’s must all be touching and you must be formed into a tight circle. If you can touch their LEFT knee without losing contact between your left knee and their RIGHT knee, then you must remove the condom and tennis ball and the next player must do the same thing.

If you do in fact lose contact with their right knee and your left knee, you must take the jam jar and spread 3 tablespoons worth on your opponents upper inner thighs. This is intended to be their reward for not losing contact. After the jam has been spread evenly on the winners upper inner thigh, you have to try to remove the jam without using your hands, feet, arms or legs. The trick I found is to use your tongue.

This game usually goes on for hours. I’m actually a regular player of Choke Chubby.

I think I’ll go to bed now for a while as I didn’t get much sleep last night in the hospital.

Your faithful friend,

Blobert

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Hospital : day 2

Hey folks,

Just checking in. I ended up staying at Etobicoke General overnight. They insisted that they observe my condition even after administering IV based laxative’s and clearing out the intestinal blockage.

They made me promise to never eat an entire block of cheese and melt it in bacon grease to be poured over top of various meats and sausages. Honestly I have no regrets as far as my decisions in the past ~96 hours. As soon as I get home I’m going to shotgun an ice cold old milwaukee and take a long nap in my air conditioned bedroom.

The wife is away at one of her girlfriend’s cottages in the Muskoka region so I have the house to myself once again.

One thing I like to do when lying in my bed is aim the air conditioner vent right in my groin region and spread my legs and let the cool air waft across my hot sticky thighs. Its the most refreshing feeling I have ever experienced. Sometimes I fall asleep and that area of my body gets extremely cold so I sometimes lay several vibrating objects (phones, wii controllers) across my inner thighs and let them continue to vibrate while the cold air touches my clammy skin. This usually continues for several hours until I am finished.

Technically I am allowed to leave the hospital, but I was hoping to receive some flowers and get-well cards during my stay here so I think I’ll wait around a little longer to see what happens.

I’ll update you again later today.

Thanks,

Blob

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At the hospital currently

Hey pals,

Just a quick update. I’m currently in the waiting room at Etobicoke General Hospital, near HWY 27 and Rexdale Blvd.

Since I haven’t been able to take a dump in 72 hours, I thought it might be a good idea to get this taken care of by a medical professional. They tell me it shouldn’t be much longer. I think they plan on inserting something into my anus and administering various creams as well as an IV based laxative.

I’ll update again when I can.

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Smitherman inexperienced in municipal politics / is it normal to have blood in my shit?

Hey guys,

I’ve been sitting in my office for most of the day, not taking calls and canceling most of my meetings today. I’m still recovering from the weekend, unfortunately. I ended up making a few extra runs to the beer store.

I also reduced the complexity of several meals over the long weekend. What originally was intended to be a steak dinner with bacon grease on Saturday night ended up being a block of cheese, some pickles and a few bars of white chocolate (my favorite).

As a result, I haven’t taken a dump in over 72 hours and I feel like there’s a cement block lodged in my intestines. I had to cancel several scheduled debates as well.

I’ll check back in later.

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My long weekend starts now!

Hey Guys,

I’m sitting in my west end home right now, preparing for a great long weekend. The weather is supposed to be great. I’m going to stay away from the core of the city (Carabana weekend) , but I already have all that I need at my house. I don’t think I’ll need to leave for supplies or anything. I have :

- Over 100 cans of Old Mill beer
- Steaks, sausages, bacon, hamburgers
- Lots of toilet paper

I have been having this disturbing pattern of violent diarrhea over the last 5 days, unfortunately. It all started last Saturday. I was at my buddy Bob McCown’s house and we were playing this game in his wood paneled basement called “No bullshit”.

To play the game, each of us sits in a chair facing each other, with our shorts hiked very high above our belly buttons, as high as you can possibly hike your pants. The shorts are hiked high enough when your testicles bulge out of the opening.

After the shorts are prepared, you must place your hand on the respective players knee — both of you facing each other in your chairs. So your hand goes on your opponent’s knee (in my case , Bob’s) and Bob’s hand goes on my knee.

Now this game can’t be played until your opponents testicles are at least subtly or partially visible through the opening in their shorts, so make sure that you can see your opponent’s testicles and they can see yours.

After the preparations are complete, the first person to start has to say something they think to be true about the opponent. This can be anything as long as it is about the opponent. If the statement is untrue, the opponent must immediately say “No bullshit”.

If the statement is indeed untrue, the player who just stated the untrue fact must move their hand 1 inch closer to the opponent’s exposed testicles.

The game goes back and forth — the loser of the game is the player who’s hand is fully touching the opponent’s testicles.

Since playing that game with Bob last weekend, I’ve had violent diarrhea. Should I see a doctor?

Your friend,

Blarb

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What a week!

Hello Friends,

Just a quick update — I’m still here! Seems I accidentally knocked this website offline for the past few days.

I run the website out of my garage and I suspect I tripped over the extension chords powering my computer last weekend (I’d been drinking all day). I didn’t notice until now.

I’ll have another update later today!

Cheers,

Blobert

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Thank god its Friday

Hey Folks,

I just got home from the office (I usually leave at 1pm on Fridays) and let me tell you it was certainly an exciting week for me!

Has anyone ever glued their fingers together as a result of pure boredom? I was in a car, going between my council office and my Lawrence ave. “satellite” election office and I had a stick of glue in my pocket. I gently brushed it across several of my fingers and then pressed each finger down my chubby thigh, one after the other.

After each subsequent finger was pressed against my hairy leg, the previous one became stuck to my leg. After all fingers became stuck, I smiled at myself for completing the task I set out to accomplish.

With my free hand, I slipped it inside my lunch bag and pulled out one of my favorite treats, an “Eat More” chocolate + nut bar. I unwrapped the bar with one hand (I have lots of practice) and started my Eat More ritual. This usually takes about 10 minutes to complete and I will detail the entire process here.

First I like to put my mouth over the first bite of the Eat More bar and just really get a good amount of slobber going to soften and moisten the initial bite of Eat more. This is usually because sometimes, if stored at the incorrect temperature, the bar itself can get quite hard and can increase the risk of damaging your teeth in that first bite.

After the first bite of the bar has gotten moist enough, I take the Eat More out of my mouth and drag it slowly across my inner thigh (remember my fingers on my right hand are still stuck to my right thigh). So I take the Eat More bar and drag it slowly (while its still wet with my saliva) across my inner thigh until the moisture has been drained off of it. You know when this step is complete when the inner thigh glistens with moisture and chocolate.

After this step is complete , take the rest of the Eat More bar out of the packaging. After it has been removed, take the entire bar and slowly run it from end to end across the bottom of your nose while taking in all that which is the entire scent of the Eat More bar.

Go back and forth across your nose, taking deep breaths through your nose, with the Eat More bar.

After this step is complete, you may now begin eating the Eat More bar.

Take care and have a great weekend,

Blob

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Abolish municipal democracy / Bacon fat is the new cooking oil

Hello Friends,

This place has gone to shit. Every time I look at the human garbage that makes up this city, I vomit a little in my mouth. I can see the pain and anguish surrounding me in council chambers and with the city in general. Everywhere I look. Its been three years since I started my mission to become mayor of Toronto. All these years leading up to this; taking out the fucking (human) trash. Its all gone to shit, if you ask me.

The only thing that really saves my sanity and keeps me going, in this struggle that is my campaign to become mayor of Toronto, is several jelly filled doughnuts a day. One in the morning and two in the afternoon, close to 3:30pm when I usually leave for home.

The gentle, battered doughnut usually sits in my hand while I stare at it for several minutes before gobbling it down. Its crusty exterior provides for a nice surprise when penetrated and the warm blueberry or strawberry jelly oozes out into my salivating mouth. I usually cant contain the entire thing in my mouth during this process and some spills out onto my chin and sometimes my dress shirt.

My assistant usually helps clean my face up, among doing other things.

Thanks,

B.

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A day in my life

It all started today. This morning actually.

It was a morning like many other — I was sitting in my chair, eating cheetos, listening to Steve Earle. I made a few calls from my office at City Hall and had a few uninspired conversations with my fellow councilors.

I went out to lunch at 12:45. I walked to the burger king near city hall, got 2 double whoppers from burger king and just plopped myself down on the curb, crossed my legs and just dove right in to the greasy soggy mess that was my lunch.

I felt a huge shit coming on, so I walked back to my office (took the elevator 1 floor up). After taking a shit I came back to my computer. To my surprise, several of my internet sensors were blaring — screaming for my attention. I have a 14 LCD monitors at my desk that displays several key areas of the internet and its current status in relation to my life — 13 out of 14 of those monitors were flashing red. Something happened!

There have been so many negative articles written about me on the internet. It is somewhat upsetting to have to defend myself against such baseless accusations. I thought we lived in a civil society — I guess I was wrong.

Tonight I think I’ll end up making risotto with peppers and goats cheese, also with chedder cheese and swiss cheese and blue cheese. I love cheese so fusfcking much. I’ve decided to try the lamb shank marinade another day

Your friend,

Blobbo

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Mustard on beef ?

I’m currently sitting in a council meeting right now but I had to share these thoughts I’ve been having.

I’ve been considering different ways to season my beef and I thought of a good marinade for beef / steak / whatnot :

- ground mustard seeds
- ground pepper
- red wine
- pinch of salt
- rosemary
- basil leaves on top

My goddamn mouth is watering at the thought! I know I had steaks last Friday during my BBQ party, but maybe I should try the above with lamb shank?

I swear I’m getting a serious chubby from thinking about this. I think I may scoot out early to visit my butcher / grocery store and try this tonight (My wife is still on vacation).

Your pal,

Blob

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