Hey guys,

Its been a while! I’ve been extremely busy being your new mayor of Toronto.

Ive been all over the place — meeting my constituents, working at my family labeling business and ensuring that my skin is soft and supple.

I noticed that Now Magazine published a photograph of me in my boxer shorts on the front page of their weekly magazine.

One of the things I like to do is, on a regular basis, read the free weekly magazines that circulate throughout Toronto. These include but are not limited to : Fab, Exclaim!, Now, Eye among others.

I also read various zines that are distributed by the Zine community in Toronto. I like to ensure that I am in touch with everyone from all communities in Toronto.

What I like to do with the magazines once a week is to sit in my basement office of my Etobicoke Mansion and spread out all the papers across my ebony and Carpathian elm wooden desk.

After spreading out all the papers and scanning all the data to ensure my name isn’t mentioned, I take a jar of hot mustard and stain each part of the paper that contains references to me in any way.

Usually my name is mentioned several times , and sometimes there are articles such as the one published today by Now Magazine.

After slopping a good portion of hot mustard on all articles with my name, i rip out the respective pages and arrange them, ready for me to use. I take a rounded tip screwdriver and tear off the small piece of newsprint with the hot mustard on it and using the rounded tip screwdriver, i shove the hot mustard soaked newsprint into the hole of my penis until its full, stretching the hole and the head of my penis.

I like to let the mustard soak into my penis in this fashion so that I can absorb the story, the tone and the demeanor of the originating author. This helps me understand and see past the trivial knee jerk type reactions that a public servant might have as a result of negative publicity and connect on a new level of understanding.

After soaking as much energy from the hot mustard newsprint, I extract the balled up paper from my penis hole with a pair of tweezers.

Then I move on to the next article, repeating the same steps.

Thanks for understanding!